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Authentic Self Counseling

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There seems to be some misinformation out there that flashbacks will always happen and that people just need to learn coping skills in order to manage them more effectively and make is so that they are less of an issue in life. I suppose that is improvement, but my clients want their flashbacks to STOP entirely.

Coping skills are a great FIRST step in the treatment of flashbacks, but it doesn’t END there. Unfortunately many clients don’t continue to seek treatment because they have all the coping skills but continue to struggle and assume that it won’t ever get better and that it is as good as it’s gonna get. This is not true. Trauma treatment is NOT about symptom management, it is about complete healing.

How do you treat flashbacks with your clients?

After my clients have coping strategies that are helpful in working through distress, it is time to dig deeper into the root of the issue where the problem REALLY lies. In the therapy office, my clients learn how to explore and understand different aspects of themselves. They learn to understand the function and behavior of all of their defensive systems that have been put in place unconsciously so that they could go on with their normal lives during and after a traumatic event or traumatic period of life. Flashbacks happen when there is a trigger and the internal systems gets in disarray and some parts are taking the stage to attempt to get the help that they need.

Once we understand more and more about the internal workings of this defensive system we can begin to work with the different parts in order to validate, calm, and treat the trauma. This results in the system becoming increasingly stable – no grounding skills needed at this point. (not that they can’t be used).

As treatment continues and the internal system becomes more stabilized and aware of what is actually happening, we can then move into trauma reprocessing (via EMDR) and completely heal the trauma so that it no longer results in flashbacks, yet becomes just a memory of an event that happened.

Getting to this point in treatment is entirely doable, although it may take some time.

I write this piece to encourage you that becoming fully healed is possible. You don’t have to just manage with coping skills the rest of your life. You don’t have to keep relying on medications in order to sleep at night. When these flashbacks are healed and your system is able to calm, you will be able to sleep without taking a pill. And it will be the best sleep ever because medicated sleep feels different than non-medicated sleep. I’m not saying medications are bad – they are needed to get through until healing happens – but you don’t need to rely on them for the rest of your life.

 

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Society practically shames people who value their sleep and sees them as lazy, unproductive, and a budren on the economy… well that was a bit of an exaggeration… maybe.

Anyways, the push for less sleep, more “awesomeness” has resulted in a society that is horrible when it comes to sleep. And if you go to your doctor for any physical or mental ailment, I’m guessing that a prescription of sleep, or rest, is probably given (in addition to other things). It’s like the panacea of all panaceas. Yet we still scoff at people who sleep a “normal” amount. 8 hours?! pft, I only need 5…

For the record I’m going to state, that I like sleeping. In fact, it is one of my TOP priorities in my day to day life. Judge me. Go ahead. I don’t care anymore. Very rarely do I say “fuck it” to sleep. (and don’t call me old!)

Anyways I’m going to give you some of my favorite tips to better sleep! I talk about this all the time with clients, so I figured I should probably write a blog about it. Save me some time 😉

First, I ask my clients this question:

“What is your bed-time routine?”

Sometimes my clients probably think that I think they are 5 years old. But the truth of the matter is, bedtime routines are just as important as adults as they are for kids. I joke around with anyone who is a parent and say something like, yes, you know how important it is for your kid to have a good routine, why not give yourself the same awesome treatment?

What should my bedtime routine look like?

Well, only YOU can answer this question but I’ll give you some hints.

It should not involve screens. (yep, that’s right, I’m shoulding on you).

It should be relaxing (NOT NUMBING – RELAXING – THERE IS A DIFFERENCE).

Actually, that’s it really. It isn’t rocket science. And I’m not gonna give you 10, 20, 50, things to do at night to sleep better because often times (for me anyways) I’m like wtf, really? who does that? Or, I thought this was suppose to be relaxing, not anxiety provoking. Is bedtime suppose to make me feel like a failure at life? NO, it’s suppose to be RELAXING (and not numbing).

What are numbing activities?

Well those usually involve a screen… Are you tell me I can’t watch my shows?!?! No go ahead and watch your shows, but leave like 20-30 minutes or so of no screen time after to tell your brain it’s time for sleep.

The other point I want to make is Alcohol…. So yea, wanted to point out that whole alcohol thing. If you have some alcohol, keep it to a minimum.

WHY?

Well first ask yourself WHY you are having the alcohol, if you’re numbing, then well I don’t have time for that in this blog post, but I suggest exploring that. If you’re having it with dinner or whatever, then that’s cool. So one drink should be plenty.

BUT if you have lots of drinks, not only are you numbing your emotions BUT you are also setting yourself up for some HOIRRIBLE sleep. When intoxicated you actually SKIP REM sleep and we need that good REM in order to wake up and feel rested, not feeling like you were hit by a truck. Don’t ask the scientific details, go look them up on some medical site. I’m a therapist.

What TIME should I go to bed?

I don’t care what time you go to bed. Go to bed when you’re tired. You’re never tired? I don’t believe you.

How the FUCK do I get my mind to stop racing at night?!

Oh man, this might need it’s own blog post. But this is why having a RELAXING nighttime routine is SO important! This is when you get to work on training your brain to be mindful and shit and ignore the stupid thoughts rushing through your head. This takes time, so don’t expect to be an expert at once. Even experts get distracted. So play around with whatever it is that relaxes your body and your mind at night so that it’s warmed up for sleep. If that doesn’t work, you likely need to practice relaxation starting from the moment you wake up, to when you go to sleep. It’s OK, a lot of people need to do that. It gets better.

Is reading OK?

I’m not one to say not to read. But if you’re struggling with sleep and you read at night, I’d look at things like 1. WHY are you reading? Are you using it to emotionally shut down? Then stop reading and work on those emotions. 2. Are you reading thrillers in bed then having weird ass dreams? Well, you might want to stop that. Also bring up another point.

DON’T DO STRESSFUL STUFF IN YOUR BED.

Memory and location are best friends. Thoughts and emotional states had in the bed, will be remembered in the bed. So keep work out of bed, keep arguments out of bed, keep weird ass stories out of bed. Just be mindful of what “energy” you’re bringing into your bed with you. Yup, I’m getting all weird on you. No I’m not. It’s science.

I think I hit on the important stuff. I could probably write a book on this, so I’ll end here for now. If you have questions, post below or e-mail me. If I get enough I’ll write another post on the matter!

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There is a lot of information out there about napping and it’s confusing.  There are power naps, certain rules on the best amount of time to nap, when to nap, if we should even nap at all!  It’s honestly, too much for me to handle.

While everyone is proposing the new and latest best way to nap (or not nap) I’d like to address a helpful tip that honestly, has nothing to do with napping, but can make all the difference.

First of all, I don’t really give a shit if you nap for 10 minutes or if you nap for 3 hours.  Do whatever your little heart desires to do.  The catch is when you wake up.

When you wake up from a nap are you saying:

“Fuck!”

“Why did I take a nap I have so much shit to do!!”

“That was a complete waste of time”

“I”m lazy”

“I suck at life”

“Will I ever stop having the needs of a 3 year old?!”

Now you feel like shit.  Right? Of course you do you just berated yourself for listening to your body and doing what it needed to do.  You have now likely undone any benefit of your nap because you are in a negative mental space.

When we feel like shit we are more likely to say, “oh man I slept 47 minutes.  I should have either slept 20 or 90 according to that article I just read online.  That’s why I still feel like crap.”

Well, maybe?  But let’s be honest.  You are probably feeling like crap from all that negative self-talk you just vomited about yourself.  And now you’re running around the house like a mad person pissing everyone off in your path in order to make up for that 47 minutes of lost time in which you probably weren’t going to be productive with any of it anyways because you were too damn tired.

Panic attack ensues


I (hopefully) painted a lovely picture for you.

How to take a kick-ass nap:

Take a nap whenever you want! If your eyelids are drooping and you just “can’t even” take a nap.

If you’re at work
 don’t take a nap.  Someone will fire your ass.

If you have a small child who is outside playing
 don’t take a nap.  Your kid will get seriously injured, lost, or die.

If you’re driving
 don’t take a nap.  Pull the car over first in an area where it is safe to pull your car over


Hopefully common sense can take over from here.  Otherwise, if you are tired and say “I need a nap right now” and if napping would not cause death or serious harm to yourself or another, or job loss or some other social catastrophe, then go ahead and take a nap!

Now for the real work…..

The real work comes in when you awake from your nap.  The first thing to do is just be mindful of your thoughts and observe them.  If you notice any negative shit floating around then recognize that and challenge the thought.

“I’m not lazy, I work really hard” (maybe even provide an example or two)

“I don’t suck at life, I’m obviously performing so well at it that I needed to take a break for a minute”

“Yes, I’ve got shit to do, but it isn’t the end of the world and now I feel better and have more energy to be productive.”

Get the idea?

Just like magic that nap was suddenly a grand idea, you’re not beating yourself up, you are refreshed and ready to tackle the rest of the day.  Maybe even with a smile 🙂

And that is how to take a nap without feeling like you suck at life