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Authentic Self Counseling

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I am an advocate for re-framing negative thinking, use of positive affirmations, self-compassion and all the wonderful strategies to eliminate the negative and bring in the positive.  I see SO MANY positive memes out there on social media encouraging us to be grateful, thankful and happy.  In many ways this is a great reminder to put life into perspective and challenge that negative demon inside our brains.

The problem is that sometimes people take this to mean that they “shouldn’t be sad” or angry, disappointed, anxious, etc… So what do you do when you believe that you shouldn’t feel a certain way?  Stuff the feeling and replace it with the recommended feelings – happiness, gratitude, joy, love, etc. It is healthy to NOT become STUCK in negative emotions, but what happens when we don’t allow ourselves to feel them… or even worse, feel guilt or shame about feeling them!?!

The outcome of stuffed feelings can look different on different people and I can tell you it usually doesn’t turn out well.  Sometimes people stuff their feelings so that when the cup overflows they take it out on someone else. Other times they take it out on themselves and even a surge of uncontrollable symptoms appear (like a panic attack).  When done over and over again people can show signs of depression, anxiety, relationship problems, and other issues.

People can stuff for days, months, years, decades… I’ve seen a lot of stuffing in my therapy sessions.

So my goal of this post is to say….  Stop Stuffing and Start Feeling!

EWWWW Feeling!!!! Yuck.

I hear you.  Feeling isn’t the best thing in the world… good stuff maybe.. bad stuff not so much.  Feeling feelings is hard work, exhausting and downright UNCOMFORTABLE!

So How do I even begin to feel feelings?

Start small!  I’m a supporter of small steps as learned about in “What about Bob?”

Allow yourself to feel a little bit and when it gets just outside your comfort zone engage yourself in some relaxation and calm down again.  Then feel some more outside your comfort zone and calm yourself down again. Every time a feeling arises and you allow yourself to feel just past the comfort zone before relaxing, you slowly increasing your tolerance for emotion!

Now, there is no need to work yourself up and make yourself uncomfortable.  Life is good about giving us plenty of opportunities to feel shitty.  So when an opportunity comes your way, feel the feels and then go to your “calm place.” Slowly build that window.

When the feelings come in, the healing can begin.
Use affirmations, be compassionate to yourself, change your negative thoughts, but don’t let these skills stop you from feeling your feelings. Ignored feelings fester and turn into bigger problems.  Go past your comfort zone and allow the wave of emotion to ebb and flow.  Ride the uncomfortable roller coaster toward healing.

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“If I hadn’t made me, I would’ve been made somehow
If I hadn’t assembled myself, I’d have fallen apart by now
If I hadn’t made me, I’d be more inclined to bow
Powers that be, would have swallowed me up
But that’s more than I can allow

But if you really want to live
Why not try, and make yourself”

~Incubus

I am a big Incubus fan and this is one of my anthems. I saved you all from the vulgarities, but I LOVE the message of this song and the premise is infused in the purpose of my practice.

My goal as a therapist is to help people to be themselves and to be happy with themselves. That’s why I went with the whole “authentic self” thing.

The wonderful thing is, or annoying (depends on how you look at it), is that we are always “making” ourselves. Often times in therapy sessions a client might say to me “but I already worked on that!!!” I say, “Sure, and you did a great job! However, you’re not the same person you were then! So lets revisit it and see what works for you now.”

Some wise person said something about not being able to step in the same river twice (after a quick Google search I find it is Heraclitus)

We are constantly changing and therefore constantly coming into our own.

How does one develop their authentic self???

Good question. There is no cut and dry answer, but I have some tips!

1. Exploration and Adventure!

I’m always encouraging clients to find out what they are interested in. Problem is, a main symptom of depression is loss of interest in activities or pleasures that one used to find pleasurable. The fancy word for that is anhedonia. So if you have some of that weird anhedonia going on, no worries, we can work through that in therapy.

2. Self-Compassion

Well, this one is a doozy! Part of finding your authentic self is actually working on liking yourself. And I don’t mean liking yourself when you have “finished” the job. Remember… there isn’t an end.. it keeps going. It is essential to like yourself during the process. This is particularly hard for you critical, perfectionist, logically minded people. I know, because I am one of them. During this process in therapy we learn that we are lovable, desirable, good enough, deserving, powerful, intelligent, strong and so on. I will likely write more on this topic another time!

3. Work through Cognitive Dissonance

When we have conflicting beliefs and behaviors we experience cognitive dissonance. It is hard to be true to one’s self when we are overwhelmed and things pile up to the point that we don’t even know who we are anymore, what we believe in, or what direction we are going in! It can get pretty messy when pushed to the side. Working through this helps you to define and understand your true values. When people address this in therapy it really helps them to find themselves and that’s when they really start to SHINE!

I feel like that is a lot for now, but I think this is something I will continue to build off in future blog posts. Bottom line is, being yourself and building your authentic self will help you to be the strong person you are and not controlled or formed by others. Because honestly, who likes to be controlled by others?!