authentic self Archives | Authentic Self Counseling

I felt inspired to write this blog post after my friend Anne Van Dusen posted a picture of herself in her natural hair color, gray (or silver if you will). I am not at that point in my life of making the decision that many women go through of, “do i dye my hair? Or let it turn and show the world my age?!” Personally I could not relate; however, it brought up an issue that I HAVE struggled with that is similar and mainly another female struggle.

I value authenticity (no duh). I have been on a journey of working toward my authentic self and plan to continue on this journey for quite some time.

If you know me, you know I’m not a “makeup person.” I have friends who are makeup people and I have friends who don’t wear makeup at all. There are a lot of beliefs that people hold about makeup. Why we wear it, how much we should wear, what kind to wear. It’s actually pretty complicated (or so it seems to someone like me).

I first started wanting to wear makeup when I was an early teen and would take my moms stuff to try and hide my breakouts. I really never got “fully” into makeup. A part of me always felt guilty for wearing it.

Why guilty?

I would hear things like “well, you don’t need to wear makeup… I need to wear it… but you don’t” Or “makeup is fake, you don’t want to be fake” or “makeup makes some people look so ugly” and on and on negative comments about makeup.

I was afraid of the message I would send if I wore makeup. Am I telling the world I’m not pretty? What if I do it wrong and look worse? I don’t want to seem fake….

Down and down into the spiral of the makeup conundrum.

Over the past 15+ years I’ve always worn what I consider to be minimal makeup and often don’t wear it as well. I’ve never developed a good relationship with makeup but we have coexisted as part of necessity to cover blemishes, part of being a woman, and being careful not to overuse for fear of fakeness. (that doesn’t seem to be a word)

A few years ago I wanted to try and give up makeup. I can’t remember the exact reasons but maybe because my husband isn’t a big makeup fan, or maybe because I wanted to save time in the morning, or maybe it was because of the person I wanted to present to the world as not caring about how I looked and being OK with the natural thing.

I went a while without wearing makeup, but after a week or so I found myself wanting to put it on. Not because I HAD to, but because I WANTED to. There was learning here but I didn’t adequately reflect upon it.

The question remains, can I be my authentic self, if I wear makeup??

Does your authentic self wear makeup?
Do you like makeup?
Do you WANT to wear makeup?
Are you wearing it out of necessity?
Do you do it because you think you’re ugly?
Do you wear it because it feels good?
Does someone else want you to wear makeup?
Does someone else NOT want you to wear makeup?
Are you experiencing “BUTS” like “I want to wear makeup but….” or “I don’t want to wear makeup but….”

By going through these questions and analyzing more about WHY you wear or don’t wear makeup, you’ll come to realize more about what you truly WANT to do and if your authentic self is someone who does or doesn’t wear makeup or anything in between!! Remember answers don’t have to be black and white!!

You might find that some days you want to wear makeup and other days you don’t!

Am I authentic if I change my mind like that? Shouldn’t I be the same every day?!

I think this is a myth too. We find what we like and then we need to stick to it, unwavering, or else we might be seen as the flip flop politician.

Newsflash, you’re allowed to change your mind. You don’t need to be the SAME every day. We are not the same every day!! We learn, we grow, we experiencing things…. All these things require change!

Does your authentic self wear makeup? Yes, no, sometimes… only you can answer that question. Hopefully this blog post will help you through the makeup conundrum or something similar. As it doesn’t have to be about makeup…. that was just the example I used 🙂

“If I hadn’t made me, I would’ve been made somehow
If I hadn’t assembled myself, I’d have fallen apart by now
If I hadn’t made me, I’d be more inclined to bow
Powers that be, would have swallowed me up
But that’s more than I can allow

But if you really want to live
Why not try, and make yourself”

~Incubus

I am a big Incubus fan and this is one of my anthems. I saved you all from the vulgarities, but I LOVE the message of this song and the premise is infused in the purpose of my practice.

My goal as a therapist is to help people to be themselves and to be happy with themselves. That’s why I went with the whole “authentic self” thing.

The wonderful thing is, or annoying (depends on how you look at it), is that we are always “making” ourselves. Often times in therapy sessions a client might say to me “but I already worked on that!!!” I say, “Sure, and you did a great job! However, you’re not the same person you were then! So lets revisit it and see what works for you now.”

Some wise person said something about not being able to step in the same river twice (after a quick Google search I find it is Heraclitus)

We are constantly changing and therefore constantly coming into our own.

How does one develop their authentic self???

Good question. There is no cut and dry answer, but I have some tips!

1. Exploration and Adventure!

I’m always encouraging clients to find out what they are interested in. Problem is, a main symptom of depression is loss of interest in activities or pleasures that one used to find pleasurable. The fancy word for that is anhedonia. So if you have some of that weird anhedonia going on, no worries, we can work through that in therapy.

2. Self-Compassion

Well, this one is a doozy! Part of finding your authentic self is actually working on liking yourself. And I don’t mean liking yourself when you have “finished” the job. Remember… there isn’t an end.. it keeps going. It is essential to like yourself during the process. This is particularly hard for you critical, perfectionist, logically minded people. I know, because I am one of them. During this process in therapy we learn that we are lovable, desirable, good enough, deserving, powerful, intelligent, strong and so on. I will likely write more on this topic another time!

3. Work through Cognitive Dissonance

When we have conflicting beliefs and behaviors we experience cognitive dissonance. It is hard to be true to one’s self when we are overwhelmed and things pile up to the point that we don’t even know who we are anymore, what we believe in, or what direction we are going in! It can get pretty messy when pushed to the side. Working through this helps you to define and understand your true values. When people address this in therapy it really helps them to find themselves and that’s when they really start to SHINE!

I feel like that is a lot for now, but I think this is something I will continue to build off in future blog posts. Bottom line is, being yourself and building your authentic self will help you to be the strong person you are and not controlled or formed by others. Because honestly, who likes to be controlled by others?!