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Authentic Self Counseling

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The investment of time and money to work on yourself, your personal growth, your confidence, is not only worth it, but I honestly believe that the actual money comes back around.

What I mainly work on healing with clients are the deeply rooted maladaptive beliefs that we have held about ourselves since we are young. Most of the time we don’t always believe these scripts or stories, although some of my clients are firmly rooted in them and others bounce back and forth between adaptive information and unhelpful information. Therapy solidifies the adaptive information that breaks down these self-deprecating stories we have told ourselves which ultimately leads to increased self-esteem, confidence, feeling true to yourself, and not taking on all of the negative shit of the world (which there is clearly a lot of – but there is a lot of beauty too :-p).

I’m not good enough

I’m powerless

I am not safe

I am not valued

I’m unloveable

Depending on the things that have happened in your life, not only your response to the event, but also the responses you received from your caretakers/loved ones, contribute highly to these deeply held beliefs. They’re not just beliefs held in your mind, but beliefs held in your body. The beliefs are felt in places such as our chests, shoulders, stomach, etc.

These beliefs and feelings pop up in weird and unexpected ways and can really limit you and prevent you from moving forward in life and following your dreams. Today I wanted to talk a little bit about confidence and money and will use some personal examples.

Wardrobe confidence

The past 6 months or so I’ve really wanted to work on creating a “capsule” wardrobe. I’m no where near that goal as it overwhelms me so I’ve been slowly pairing things down and exploring what it is I like wearing the most. I’m taking my time with it and using it as gifts of self-discovery.

I love expensive clothes. I say I have expensive taste, or just like good high quality made stuff? Not sure. Or Maybe it’s the environment in which the clothes are bought, or the message the company stands for.

Oddly enough I realized recently that I love wearing $10 shirts.

What?

Why the sudden change? Well I still like some other expensive stuff, especially if it’s something I need in higher quality, but in working on my wardrobe and finding what I like I realized a plain fitted Ts are my current favorite items in my closet.

Why?

Confidence.

I’m confident in who I am and how I look.

It all started about that time in life when people started making fun of my clothing. Or how I look. Or the fact that I couldn’t fit into the styles and clothes everyone was wearing. Then it turned into not looking professional enough, not looking old enough, not looking good enough basically. You might say it’s because I’m older now, which could be a bit factor, but also because in working on myself and my confidence and accepting myself for who I am, I don’t need to hide behind a brand or expensive clothes. It’s confidence and it’s saving me money.  I see a world of not just a SMALLER wardrobe coming my way but a CHEAPER one too! Who cares if I wore this yesterday? I like it and yes, I washed it….

Lesson I learned? Confidence can save you money!

Confidence can also MAKE you money

It doesn’t matter if you are self-employed or if you work for a company, confidence in yourself is key to moving up in your career. Growth happens outside of your comfort zone as you likely know. Therefore having adaptive information is really helpful to manage the difficulties of being outside of your comfort zone.

When you believe you are good enough, when you are likable and lovable and can access feelings of safety and power, you have more agency to navigate the difficult periods and tenacity it takes to move forward WITHOUT STUFFING/IGNORING/AVOIDING/ADDICTING/ETC.

It sounds pretty savvy to work on yourself and even invest in yourself especially knowing the result can help you to increase your income as well as safe your hard earned money. When we are confident and comfortable in ourselves we look less to external means of happiness that can put a hole in the pocketbook that never ends, and it doesn’t end because external factors just won’t do the job.

Will I become a narcissist?

Often times people think that the opposite of not good enough is thinking you’re the shit. No. The opposite of not good enough is just good enough. The pendulum doesn’t swing the other way. Because it’s all about enhancing adaptive information, not creating a fake self to hide behind. That’s not healing; that’s not the goal.

So what’s stopping you from working on yourself? From investing in yourself? You might find that you’ll benefit in ways you weren’t expecting.

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People complain about daylight saving time and every spring and autumn they ask, “WHY, WHY are we doing this?!” Despite all the asking why and complaining, the hour time change is still here – well, for most of us.

I’ve always LOVED “Fall Back” because who doesn’t love gaining an extra hour of sleep?! Despite love for the extra hour, it takes many people (me included!) a good week or two to fully adjust to that little hour difference. How do international travelers do it all the time???!

Many of my clients say things like, “I would love to exercise in the morning but I can’t bring myself to get up earlier.” Others might say, “I’d really love to start my day with meditation and yoga.” While others talk about the breakfast they would like to prepare or the newspaper they want to read… and many other “wishes” and “dreams” that they have about their morning routine. Having an hour or so to yourself in the morning is great (if you can figure out the logistics of it).

Capitalize on that extra hour when daylight saving time ends and we “fall back” to standard time! Your body will likely take a week or two to adjust so instead of adjusting, just get up an hour earlier. If you usually get up at 6, get up at 5. You might still be groggy, but if you want a time of year when your body is going to revolt less to getting up earlier, now is a great time! Take advantage of the changing of the clocks!!

Now you have an extra hour to engage in your self care morning routine!! It can be whatever you want – exercise, relaxation, cleaning, e-mails. Whatever floats your boat!

What have you always been wanting to do in the morning? Can you do it in an hour? Modify it to be an hour? Use this “Extra time” to your advantage!

Conversely, a lot of people say “I need to get to bed earlier” in order to wake up to do those things. Again. NOW is the time! If you keep waking up early you will be tired an hour earlier. So be it if you go to bed “early.” No one has to know. You don’t HAVE to tell people the “weird” hour in which you go to bed or arise in the morning. That’s personal information! All that matters is that you are using your time how YOU want to.

I hear so many people say they want to go to bed earlier in order to get up earlier to engage in whatever activity they desire….. Take advantage and starting owning you morning routine rather than your morning routine own you!

I love to accomplish something in the morning. By doing so, if I have a “bad” day, then I can always say I did “this” in the morning and that helps me to feel good!

You don’t have a desire to do anything in the morning?? Rather have more time in the evening? Well then forget everything I said and look forward to spring 🙂

Try out a new morning routine. What is your ideal routine? Test it out. How did it go?

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“If I hadn’t made me, I would’ve been made somehow
If I hadn’t assembled myself, I’d have fallen apart by now
If I hadn’t made me, I’d be more inclined to bow
Powers that be, would have swallowed me up
But that’s more than I can allow

But if you really want to live
Why not try, and make yourself”

~Incubus

I am a big Incubus fan and this is one of my anthems. I saved you all from the vulgarities, but I LOVE the message of this song and the premise is infused in the purpose of my practice.

My goal as a therapist is to help people to be themselves and to be happy with themselves. That’s why I went with the whole “authentic self” thing.

The wonderful thing is, or annoying (depends on how you look at it), is that we are always “making” ourselves. Often times in therapy sessions a client might say to me “but I already worked on that!!!” I say, “Sure, and you did a great job! However, you’re not the same person you were then! So lets revisit it and see what works for you now.”

Some wise person said something about not being able to step in the same river twice (after a quick Google search I find it is Heraclitus)

We are constantly changing and therefore constantly coming into our own.

How does one develop their authentic self???

Good question. There is no cut and dry answer, but I have some tips!

1. Exploration and Adventure!

I’m always encouraging clients to find out what they are interested in. Problem is, a main symptom of depression is loss of interest in activities or pleasures that one used to find pleasurable. The fancy word for that is anhedonia. So if you have some of that weird anhedonia going on, no worries, we can work through that in therapy.

2. Self-Compassion

Well, this one is a doozy! Part of finding your authentic self is actually working on liking yourself. And I don’t mean liking yourself when you have “finished” the job. Remember… there isn’t an end.. it keeps going. It is essential to like yourself during the process. This is particularly hard for you critical, perfectionist, logically minded people. I know, because I am one of them. During this process in therapy we learn that we are lovable, desirable, good enough, deserving, powerful, intelligent, strong and so on. I will likely write more on this topic another time!

3. Work through Cognitive Dissonance

When we have conflicting beliefs and behaviors we experience cognitive dissonance. It is hard to be true to one’s self when we are overwhelmed and things pile up to the point that we don’t even know who we are anymore, what we believe in, or what direction we are going in! It can get pretty messy when pushed to the side. Working through this helps you to define and understand your true values. When people address this in therapy it really helps them to find themselves and that’s when they really start to SHINE!

I feel like that is a lot for now, but I think this is something I will continue to build off in future blog posts. Bottom line is, being yourself and building your authentic self will help you to be the strong person you are and not controlled or formed by others. Because honestly, who likes to be controlled by others?!