I wrote a whole blog post about my “experience” of meditation for 3.5 hours on October 2nd. I wasn’t happy with what I wrote so I walked away from it and decided to come back to it later. While the words sat there I continued my meditation journey over the course of the week and I realized that I felt I was SUPPOSE to share some amazing reflecting after having meditated for a ridiculously long time.
Even though my brain knows better, I keep believing that meditation is suppose to be this transformative experience and after meditating for 3.5 hours I am to come out an awakened being with a whole new outlook on life, never experience stress and be this wonderful, magical creature.
Nope, I’m still me. I still have flaws and struggles and feelings and all of these human experiences.
Even though I know my expectations are incorrect I easily get caught up in the “answers” to life and it’s hard to ignore the “next best thing.” I hear about what everyone else is doing and their lives are obviously better so I “really gotta do this thing” because I want things to be better….
I often fall victim to this way of thinking more that I’d like to admit
I’m not saying to not meditate and not saying it isn’t helpful or anything. Don’t stop meditating. What I’m sharing with you is my thought “I’m gonna have these awesome reflections and then I’m gonna blog about these awesome reflections” is a bogus thought filled with way too many expectations, pressures and assumptions.
On October 2nd I meditated at a friends house for 3.5 hours. 20 minutes of sitting followed by 10 minutes of walking. In complete silence and doing nothing by observing my mind.
Part of my goal in doing this was to become regular about meditating. For me it is one of those things that “I’ll do later” and I’ve never gotten into a true daily practice. By investing so much TIME into it I figured it would help me to keep going, even if it was only for 10 minutes a day.
Sure enough, that worked. I have since meditated for 10 minutes a day. Was it an amazing week filled with living from intention, creating space for myself and experiencing clarity of mind?
No, it was actually one of my worst weeks I’ve had in a long time
That’s not what I expected to happen…..
Do you ever have the experience of finally trying to ground yourself again, make solid changes and go about things differently in order to seek improvements and you are putting all this mental energy into it and doing things differently then you get crappy results?
Yea, that’s what happened. I’m not going to get into the details but I know this phenomenon has happened to me before, and I know it has happens to my clients. (At least I know I’m not alone).
I THINK what happens here is we say we are going to do something and do it and expect immediate results and might say “well I’m doing everything from my heart/or with good intention/or I’ve thoughts this through” when really we haven’t, we just think we are doing that thing because we said “I’M DOING THIS THING.” It takes more than just saying, “I’m doing this thing” and doing it for a few days. It’s that ongoing practice, ongoing awareness, ongoing falls, ongoing get-back-up-again thing.
My takeaway of my 3.5 hours of meditation, followed by silent eating, followed by over a week of DAILY meditation practice is this shit takes time. Don’t expect results early. Don’t expect major life changes. My forebrain knows this, but the part of me that wants magic to exist needs to learn things the hard way (WHY DO YOU EXIST MAGICAL PART OF ME?!).
The magical part of me is the part that believed in Santa, it’s the part that hopes for big changes to happen in the world, it’s the part of me that believes I can make a difference in the world and therefore motivates me to do my job every day…
Ok, it’s a pretty important part of me and I can’t let it go because it goes overboard with expectations, hopes and dreams sometimes. I just need to listen to it more and keep it in check so that maybe it doesn’t have to keep learning the hard way… over and over and over again… because that fuels the cynical part and I’d perfect not to give that guy any more fuel. The world gives it enough as is.
In conclusion I’d like to say, “Thanks world for continuing to teach me this lesson.” It is a lesson that will keep coming back to me until one day, it might stick, and I won’t have to learn it anymore.